Knit-picking...

One thing I think I'm beginning to realize is that there is a fundamental difference between those people who have ventured abroad to escape their former lives and those who are traveling to broaden their life experience. Those determined to "start afresh" or reinvent themselves seem to need the constant validation that is provided by the shallow social relationships formed here. I, for one, am very aware that I have some totally awesome, absolutely fabulous, friends-for-life living back at home and around the world. Thus, I find myself lacking the motivation to forge what will seemingly be transient relations (at best). Physical relationships aside, I believe it takes time, trust and honesty to form a friendship -- even the casual kind. The people I've met here haven't yet compelled me to want to make that kind of effort. Nor do I feel the need to really introduce myself to them. The other day a person at the bar, of all places, turned to Jessica and I and said, "Ok, so I really don't know you guys very well so why don't we do some of those standard 'who am I' questions, ok?" To which I responded, "Well actually Jess and I don't know each other very well either..." At which point Jess cut me off and said, "I think we know each other pretty well, don't you?" This was a point of pause for me. I didn't know what to say. I felt (and still feel) as though Jessica knows little to nothing about me, and yet there she was defending out (absent) acquaintanceship. Am I being pretentious? I just don't feel anyone can say they "know" anyone else after less than a month of conversance. She doesn't even know I went to an arts school for God's sake! Honestly, she knows nothing about me.

What I'm trying to say here is that I am wondering why I keep feeling bad for not making greater efforts to be social. I was walking home from work tonight after specifically declining an invitation to go out and although I was legitimately fatigued and uninterested, I was annoyed with myself for preferring to spend time alone. I started doing all this psycho-analytical bull-shit like: "Is this just another case of Tracy's running-away syndrome?" or "Are you depressed?" and "Is wanting to read your book instead of drinking beer in a smoky bar a bad thing?", "What are you hiding from?", "What do you want?".

That last one is probably the real question at hand. What is it that I want to gain from this experience abroad? Do I want to come away with foggy memories of nights in a bar with other foreigners? Do I want to say that I "finally got all that reading I've been meaning to do done"? Do I want to see the country and interact with the locals? Do I want to form a whole new group of friends? What is it I want to accomplish while living in Mokpo? This is a good question, and not one that I will necessarily be able to answer right away. But I'm glad I'm beginning to think about it. Even if it does keep me out of the bars and in my fuzzy pyjamas at home.